Ash on the Road

Watching the cigarette ash

Drop outside of the car window

As an emblem of all I’ll ever mean to you

A burning addiction that lasted hardly a second in time

Pressed against your lips

Fingers entwined

Something to take it all away 

For less than a sheer moment 

That leaves your mouth tasting of smoke

And your body on an ever dulling high

In hindsight perhaps you are the cigarette 

And my lips the cushion you reside within 

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Unexpected 

Love can’t be explained
It’s real 
But it’s fake 
It supports everything you do 
But endorses everything you hate 
Maybe love is you
And maybe it’s me
And maybe it’s us
Sat at this table of friends
As you talk about your new girlfriend 
And I laugh and say “aww awesome I’m so glad you’re happy”

Doing Fine

Do not kid yourself,I am doing fine without you.

That can be taken either way,

I will not allow you to know in which way it was meant. 

(Another) Morning After

It’s raining today, I’m okay with that, in fact I actually quite like rain, there’s something comforting about the dreariness of a grey and over cast day. I know it’s raining as I can see the water droplets racing down the skylight window above me, and the sound reflecting into the unfamiliar surroundings. The walls are bare, I find most men’s are, and the bedding I notice is grey too, how fitting. He stirs beside me, I notice a washing basket to the left under the large television which intimidatingly covers the majority of the wall directly in front of me, we never did fit that tv in your room. He stirs again and I look painfully down at my jeans to the left of me, I know his name, I wish I didn’t, would make this a whole lot easier to do.   Gently I slide my legs over the side and lean for them to pull them on, I feel his hand round my waist, I continue to move, and finally I am dressed. Stirring through my handbag I assure myself I’ve all my belongs, then I head to the mirrored wardrobe, cracked mascara, smeared lipstick, a running nose and some remanence of foundation – well the lipstick I can fix, the rest shall have to wait, sadly no sunglasses. He opens his eyes and looks at me, I gaze vaguely into them before focusing on his shoulder, he’s got the exact skin colouring you have, and the same after shave, how strange. He’s unattractive though, his hair is brown smoke and his loneliness is physically paining me, great flat though.

“I’m off” I mutter, or something along those lines, he looks pissed off, maybe because I’m leaving, maybe because I’ve snatched myself away waking him up and releasing him back into the nightmare that is life, maybe he thought he was getting round two or would it be three. Either way it was time for a swift exit, down the stairs into the living room, and on the floor lies another past lover. He was a simple guy, but you know, he was really nice to me, he once paid me for sex also, but that’s another story. Sauntering across from the stairs to the kitchen I fill a glass off the draining board from the tap. Oh he’s awake, “why are you like this? You never change” he murmurs before turning round on the sofa, I’m guessing this is a dig as to why I didn’t sleep with him in my coked up confusion last night. I wish I knew myself perhaps my empathy got the better of me and I know from Instagram how much he loves his new girlfriend, perhaps I wanted to redeem myself, perhaps because it was on a sofa rather than in a bed. I don’t know, but now I’ve managed to successfully drink half a glass of water whilst in thought and I’m heading out the door. As the door shuts I sigh in relief, and swifly sweep away the last twenty four hours to erode and decay in a corner of my mind somewhere.

You lingering 

Was I ever in love with him

Or was he just a substitute 

For you

As you sat on a chair 

In a corner of my mind

With that glimmer in your eye

The one you used to get

When you’d text me across the room

Asking me to come to bed

As you missed your head between my legs.

You, Smoke and Mirrors 

To be with you 

Is to be without you

To hear your name

Is to hear a whisper in the streets 

To see your face 

Is a mere blur in a crowded room.

I’m at the party 

Looking through the glass

Behind smoke and mirrors

I see your silhouette, but you don’t see me 

And it’s poetic to watch the people laugh

And the room bows to your every move

As you gracefully glide 

Like you always do.

You are a black and white film

You do not need sound 

As you motion

You sway like the branches of the trees

As you dance around the field 

Swinging your noose in your hand 

And laughing all the way down those snowy hills into the golden sunset 

I only wish you could see the colours as I do. 

Best Friend

You deserve so much better than me
So much better of a friend

So much less of a selfish bitch 

Someone who’ll be there for you

Someone who was there for you 

And I miss you

I miss all the laughs we shared

But you see through me

And I’m glad of that

As I’m not good for you

I wasn’t there for you

And you shouldn’t be there for me

So excuse me

As I cheer you on from the sideline 

Hidden in the crowd 

Where I can’t be seen.
I am fucking sorry though.

Sticky Thighs

I feel numb

He puts his hands where yours used to be 

I push him off

And he holds me

Clinging for dear life 

I think he is lost

It’s been a long time since someone held me

I don’t like his mouth 

It isn’t as sweet as yours

My thighs are sticky 

But I’m not happy.
I wonder where you are, are you happy? 

Love Yourself 

I often look at your pictures It gives me a thrill

After three glasses of wine

Will I always do this 

I doubt it

However for now I embrace it 

I think it’s helping me get over it

And besides masturbation is healthy.